The list is the epitome of laziness but do you really think I care? I thought so…

Honesty. We all blather on and on about how important honesty is to us but we don’t really mean it. We don’t want the truth. Like Tom Cruise, we can’t handle the truth! What we want is for someone to validate us, make us feel good about being who we are, just as we are. You know what I have to say about that? TOUGH NUGGIES!

Sometimes people need to be told, for example, that they have stank breath. Screw tact to the sticking place! Instead of wasting money on breath mints just tell the olfactory offender they should buy a tongue scraper or see a doctor because their bad breath is offensive. I mean, I’d rather suffer momentary embarrassment then offend the world at large! I think we’d cut down on a lot of confusion if we were just truthful with each other. How can we be accepted for who we are if we’re constantly keeping that person hidden?

So on that note, please read the following things I wish men and women would say to each other:

Things I Wish Men Would Say

*Yes your ass looks fat in those terrycloth sweatpants but I like a big, fat, jiggly ass. That’s why I’m with you.

*No, I’m not joking. I really do want a threesome with you and your best friend.

*The reason I don’t screw around is not because I love you but because I don’t want to get caught and have to give you half of my shit!

*I don’t want to cook or clean the house because that’s the woman’s job.

*I like the idea of being a father I just don’t want to be a parent.

*It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just sometimes I don’t feel like seeing your face or hearing your voice.

Things I Wish Women Would Say

*I thought I could change you, I utterly failed in that pursuit, I feel trapped in this relationship and now I’m bitter and that’s why I’ve been acting like a total shrew for the last five years!

*I married you because I have only three eggs left and I don’t want to die alone in my apartment with thirty cats.

*The reason I don’t screw around is not because I love you but because I’m too old and tired to start the dating process all over again if I get caught!

*No, I’m not joking. I really do want a threesome with you and your best friend.

*If you want me to do the things the porn girls do then you’ll have to pay me the same amount of money!

*It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just sometimes I don’t want you to touch me or speak to me.

I’ve decided that I will no longer lie to people to save their feelings. If they can’t take my yes or no answer then I will be forced to unleash the unflattering truth. – GD