Oh Sione.
I remember the very first time I laid eyes on you. It was some time back in May or June of 2006, back when I barely knew what rugby was and could scarcely care. Before the days of nerve-wrecking, 13-hour downloads from MediaZone, before obsessively checking the All Blacks website 2, 4, 6 times a day and before my bizarre dreams about Jerry “the Hitman” Collins, there was only Ms. GD, giggling about good-looking rugby players as I shrugged an apathetic shoulder. After all, I was too busy digging on Adam Rodriguez, not much in the mood for an All Blacks video featuring some hamo named Mose Tuiali’i playing EA’s Rugby 2006.

At least, I wasn’t in the mood until I saw the big, beefy, super-fortified Brahma bull competing against Mose. Who, I thought, the feck is he? Now, don’t get me twisted in a Windsor knot. Fer sure, I thought Mr. Tuiali’i was hot-to-death with his smoldering Samoan stares. But, the guy next to him was cast in the mold I prefer with those massive biceps and that (oh, be still my heart) thick neck!

After putting Ms. GD on the case, she was kind enough to uncover the gent’s name:

Sione Lauaki.

I was reading this article on one of my favorite blogs and was inspired to write about my own feelings on abortion and pregnancy rights.

Question: does being pro-choice mean I am also pro-abortion? Many so called “pro-life” proponents would have you believe so. But to me that argument is just as ridiculous as saying that because I’m against the death penalty that means I’m pro-violence! No abortion is repugnant to me and I know it is something I would never do. But I also have a very large and supportive family who would help care for my child and me if I were to give birth. So because I know that there are millions of women worldwide who aren’t as blessed or even as hopeful as me, I remain steadfastly and unabashedly pro-choice. Therefore…

I AM:

Pro – Building self-esteem in young women so they will not feel they have to use the sex act as an affirmation of their self-worth.

Pro – Building self-esteem in young men so they will not equate the haphazard creation of babies with manliness.

Pro – Holistic sex education which does not separate genitalia and sexuality from the rest of the body’s physiology. Our pelvic regions are not, as certain religious groups would have us think, amorphous masses that only come together into a recognizable shape when we want to do the nasty/reproduce. Not only is this method of thinking medieval, it’s just plain dangerous!

Pro – Guaranteeing that every child conceived is wanted and is born into a home that can support it emotionally as well as financially. Leave it to pro-lifers to simultaneously value and devalue life by fighting to force all women (no matter what their parental capabilities) to give birth in instances of extreme poverty, drug abuse, domestic abuse, low wage jobs, unaffordable daycare (or no daycare) and little to no healthcare! Maybe more women would be more inclined to carry a fetus to term if they knew the'd have access to all the tools they'd need to be successful parents regardless of their socioeconomic background.

Pro – Equal division of parental and household responsibilities between men and women so women don't feel they must sacrifice being fully involved in their children’s lives for career/personal fulfillment. There’s a reason Superwoman lives in comic books, it’s because she doesn’t exist!

Pro – No one, no matter how well meaning, should use the laws of this country to force others to procreate (or not to procreate as the case may be) to their whims!

Here’s another take on the American Taliban (AKA The Religious Right) – Chris Hedges gives his opinion on why, in the land that made separation of church and state and personal freedoms famous, there is such a thing as a “Religious Right” in the first place and why they’re so powerful: The Radical Christian Right Is Built on Suburban Despair


See, I told you Ms. GD has layers! – GD



Black and white photo found here

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Hi-de-hi Dear Readers! It certainly has been a long time since I’ve written like this. I’ve been so severely lazy and aimless for the last few months that I just haven’t had the strength to write about the many and varied things swirling around in my mind. Okay so maybe the biggest thing swirling around in my mind has been the hotness of several Polynesian rugby players but really now Ms. GD has other thoughts too! I care about the world in general! No really I do!

Mantra For A New Beginning

Om Vinayakaya Namaha
Om Vee-nah-yah Kah-yah Nah-mah-hah

Vinayaka, the reincarnated energy of Ganesha (Hindu God of intellect and wisdom) is often called upon when a worshiper is starting a new endeavor. Be it the start of a new school semester, a new relationship or even a new year, Ganesha mantras are excellent for opening up the heart and mind to new possibilities thus in turn helping us find the courage and strength we need to be successful.

Mantra from Yoga Journal Magazine - February 2007, page 20.

Ms. GD’s Best Kept Secrets Revealed!

I have a secret, a great, big beautiful secret! In the grand scheme of things this secret might seem rather trivial and I might seem very immature for holding on to it so dearly but to me it’s one of the most awesomeist things to happen to me in my short, uneventful life!

Unfortunately I can’t tell you a damn thing about it. I know, I know! You’re screaming at your computer screen and flipping me the bird right now. How dare you, you fume, set us up like that? Well I would love to tell you, my Beloved Readers, but if I do I’ll totally blow my cover! You see, there is a chance that the um – person – involved in my secret reads this blog and if said “person” does then this person will know that I am me which will completely shatter the carefully constructed alter ego I’ve spent the last two years cultivating! I mean, the whole point of an alter ego is so I can, as Daddy Diva used to say, act a plume seed fart ass, without fear of retribution!

So because I have this incredible secret that I can’t share with you I’ve decided to divulge another juicy and equally embarrassing secret I’ve been hiding for the past several months. Once upon a time, when I’d completely lost my mind over Wentworth Miller (AKA The Pretty) I let galaxyMafia convince me that it would be a good idea to write him a letter. It took me a long while to come around to the idea, after all, fan mail is for pathetic losers and I’m really cool! No seriously! I AM!

So I wrote the stupid letter and here it is in its entirety:

February 4, 2006

Dear Mr. Miller,

I know it’s cliché to begin a letter with “I’ve never done this before…” but in this case it’s true. I’ve never written a celebrity and I feel straight ig’nant doing so. I even contemplated using an assumed name but then I thought that was just plain silly. If I’m going to intentionally embarrass myself by turning into the most dreaded of all creatures – Squealing Fan Girl – then I should at least have the courage of my convictions and use my real name. Right?

I’m writing to you because I am in desperate need of information – about you! Everyone who has had the pleasure of speaking with you always mentions how intelligent and thoughtful you are but somehow they never seem to ask you many intelligent or thoughtful questions.

I’ve noticed a pattern that goes something like this: The interviewer fawns a little and asks you about your current project. The interviewer fawns a little more, asks a few impertinent questions (Like how does it feel to be so gosh darned handsome and are you single…ugh!), and then fawns even more until you look embarrassed or bored. I’ve yet to discern which look is which but I must admit you have the best poker face ever!
So with your indulgence, this simple, unassuming, ingenuous Texas girl who has almost no journalistic credentials would like to ask you a few questions:

Music is very important in my life so for me, finding out what sort of music someone likes is one of the first steps in getting to know them (I’ve enclosed two discs of my favorites). What genres do you love and why? If you had to make a soundtrack for your life thus far what songs would be featured on it and why?

Much has been made of you studying English at university then pursuing acting. On the surface there might seem to be no correlation between acquiring an English degree then flipping that into an acting career but I disagree. To grow as a human being one most constantly seek new challenges. Was the idea of committing yourself to something almost completely out of your original field of study part of the charm? What career would you choose if the entertainment industry was not an option and why?

I heard a clip of you singing and you have a lovely voice! Have you ever considered musical theater? What character or characters from a classic Broadway show would you like to play and why?

Many multiethnic actors have been featured on the covers of black publications (Halle Berry, Terrence Howard, and Mariah Carey to name only three) and in other black oriented media but I’ve yet to see you on the cover of Ebony or listed as one of the “Hottest Bachelors” in Essence Magazine for example. Do you feel you’re being ignored by the African American community and if so, why?

In your senior thesis you wrote about gender identity in a white male, patriarchal society. Why did you choose to explore the works cited in your thesis as opposed to say “Madame Bovary”, “The Awakening” or even “The Bluest Eye”?

Are you aware that there is an online church dedicated to the fabulousness that is you? It’s called The First Church Of Wentworth Miller (www.fcowm.com) and it is very interesting to say the least. So much lust concentrated in one place is exceptional! What do you think of this sort of unfettered devotion?

Have you considered dating Gabrielle Union? She’s single now. [Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge.]

And finally, one fan girl question – Is Dominic Purcell as magnificent in person as he appears to be on television! [Insert fan girl squeal here]

I understand if your schedule is too demanding to write back right away so if calling me is easier my number is 713-555-5555. Have a wonderful day and enjoy your time off!

Cordially,
Me

So did Mr. Miller reply? HELL TO THE NO! But I did receive a lovely autographed picture, which until now has been safely crumpled up in the trunk of my car under my dirty sneakers, laundry detergent and empty Diet Dr. Pepper bottles!



Don’t you want me baby? Don’t you want me…Oooooooooohhhhhh!

So last Sunday was Mama Diva’s birthday and I decided to make her a special birthday dinner. I sojourned to my local Whole Foods to pick up the ingredients and got a little more than I bargained for.

I’d done most of my shopping when I passed by the flower shop. While I was trying to decide if I’d buy Mama Diva a bouquet, the young lady behind the counter asked me if I needed some assistance. At first I said, not even looking up, that I was just looking. But then a particularly pretty bunch caught my eye and I decided to get them. When I looked up I say the prettiest young woman I’d seen in a long…LONG…time! As I recall this story I wonder if my eyes popped out of my head when I say her because, I kid you not Dear Readers, she was just that pretty! How pretty you ask? Well allowing for individual taste I’d say she was a solid 9 out of 10! She was a bit taller than me, about 5 feet, 6 inches, slim but not skinny, dark brown skin, huge brown eyes, and lots of natural hair. I can’t remember if her hair was twisted, dreaded or just curly [I couldn’t stop staring at her face!] but it was black and really strong and healthy looking and I like that! Oh and she had beautiful white teeth too!

Anyway, she asked me what flowers I wanted and I pointed to a few eclectic looking bunches, asking about the prices. She told me the prices then out of the blue said, You smell good. Is that you or your hair?. So I just smiled and said that it was probably my hair because I’d just washed it. So we’re just sort of standing there smiling at each other (I thought we looked more than a little like idiots) so I indicate that I’d made up my mind about a particular bunch. Then, and this is the kicker Dear readers, she leans in and literally sniffs me! In the most obvious way imaginable! Like we were Pumas! And then she made that “mmmmmmmm” sound and sort of narrowed her eyes a little bit! And did I mention she was leaned in close as well as standing on her toes?!?

Needless to say I was taken aback! Oh what to do, what to damn do! Well I did the only thing I could do in this situation; I ignored it. Or at least pretended to ignore it because really, how could I ignore such an obvious mating ritual? So we settled on two interesting mixes of flowers and she asked me to give her ten minutes while she put the two together. After that I walked around the store trying to comprehend what had just happened. Was she coming on to me? Was she just being friendly? Had my self-imposed relationship exile made me insane and led me to hallucinate the whole scene? And why did I have such an unwelcome, fluttery feeling in my belly?

After about five minutes I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to get home and cook and put this exciting but somewhat nightmarish incident to bed! When I got back to the flower shop she was just finishing my bouquet so I silently thanked God for that. She very sweetly informed me that she’d added four roses and I tried not to take it personally because I had, after all, told her that the flowers were for my mother and not me. While she was wrapping the bouquet I noticed her nametag. You will never guess her name so I’ll just tell you – Sunshine! Damn. She couldn’t have had a more perfect name. And as you can imagine, I thanked her kindly and ran like the freakin’ wind!

So did I totally miss the boat? Was she really even hitting on me? I can never tell when women are hitting on me. It’s so much easier with men because they drool and pant and use bad double entendres and grab you with their filthy, greasy paws! Women are much more subtle and sinister. Ah well, it’s not like I’m going to go back and see her on the pretext of buying more flowers! No Ms. GD has made a vow of no more dating – dating of any kind – and I will stand by that vow. Besides, women are crazy! If something did jump off I’d only find myself clavicle deep in Lesbian Drama and I been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt! But still I can’t help but wonder…

California Randomness On Such A Winter’s Day

Well my Christmas trip to Cali is dunzo but the magical memories live on! Families and Holidays are not two great tastes that taste great together but we continue to put them together because…we like being tortured? Actually I’m exaggerating a bit because I always enjoy myself when I visit Brother Diva and Sister-in-law Diva. But Sister-in-law Diva’s family mixed with Mama Diva is another story all together…

Over The Hills and Through the Tunnel To The City of Angels We Go

As I’ve written before my brother lives in Northern Cali and has done so almost half (if not more) of his life. Unfortunately, the rigors of work and raising a family haven’t given him much of a chance to explore Los Angeles. As luck would have it he was off from work until the first of the year so he was able to ride with me, Mama Diva and Niece and Nephew Diva, to LA for an adventure. We had originally wanted to find an activity that all of us could enjoy but the kids are teenagers so the only thing they could think to do was walk around Universal Studios. Mama Diva likes to get her party on but walking around all day ain’t gonna cut it with her arthritis so we decided to just make the drive to LA and try to decide on something when we got there.

We took the scenic route, The Pacific Coast Highway, and of course I was driving. Let me just say that I do not like driving PCH. I don’t like driving in LA period but PCH has way too many S-Curves, like one right after the other, with steep hills one right after the other and mountains looming on either side of you and Houston is as flat as a pancake and I am just not used to that shizz! But yet and still I am constantly made to drive and suffer through the craziness that is the Cali driver! It must be the year-round warm weather because it is constantly vehicle mating season in that town! All the tailgating always astounds me! And if you want to get over you have to barge in, thus completely stopping traffic, to signal to the driver in the next lane that you intend to get over! I could go on and on Dear Readers but I think you get the picture. Anyway, we decided to go to Bergamot Station but we got lost because I wasn’t familiar with the way we drove in (I usually take the 101) but we eventually found it and we walked around there a bit. The kids were bored out of their minds, especially Niece Diva. I swear the look on her face was pure Abu Ghraib!

We wanted to go to one of our favorite restaurants, Campanile , but we weren’t dressed appropriately so we decided on Pink’s because it was a place neither of us had ever been. If you’re ever in LA you must stop at Pink’s because it is truly fabulous! Sure you’ll gain 10 pounds by just being in the place but it will be the best 10 pounds you ever gained! And when you’re having that heart attack because of your clogged arteries you’ll lovingly lick the chili from your lips as you slip peacefully into the great beyond with the taste of that chili cheese dog still lingering on your tongue! While driving there I noticed the LA County Museum was having a René Magritte exhibit. Oh happy day! Magritte is one of my favorite surrealist painters and I made a mental note to head back to the LACMA (Brother Diva in tow) to see the exhibit. After stuffing our faces we headed back home, overfed and happy…well at least the adults were happy. The youngins were just so happy to be liberated from Bergen-Belsen that they fairly leapt from the car when I pulled into the driveway!

The next day it was decided that Mama Diva would spend the day with Sister-in-law Diva, which would give Bro and I some time to bond. The plan was to head back to LA, check out the LACMA and make it to Campanile for dinner. I was really excited about this because he’d never been to the LACMA and he’d never seen a Magritte up close. It was such a treat to see this museum, which I’d been to many times before, through his eyes! He got to be very adult and talk about art and how that art made him feel. And he’d never seen a Picasso in person so I was there to share that experience with him too, which made me very happy! At dinner it was more of the same, talking about wines and cheeses and all that fancy shmancy shizz long married people with kids rarely get a chance to do. I got to hear all about his job, family and his opinions on life in general; the good and the bad, and he got a chance to vent. Fun times ya’ll!

The Children’s Christmas Program of Doom, The Cake That Would Not Be Baked and Other Tales Of Horror

Our objective was to bake one German Chocolate cake (Bro’s favorite, from scratch) for Brother Diva’s birthday. We thought we had it all figured out but we were far too smug in our cake baking abilities. Also, we underestimated the power of Sister-in-law Diva’s mother. The diabolical one who shall henceforth be called Madame X!

The plan was this: Wake up Sunday morning and leave the house by 8:30am so as to make it to the children’s Christmas program by 9am. Mama Diva would stay for the rest of the church service while I left to start baking. By the time she got back the cake would be cooled so she could make the coconut and pecan icing, ice the cake, and serve it to my brother and the rest of the family while we sang happy birthday. Sounds simple right? Well this is what actually happened:

Mama Diva and I offered to take Madame X to church Sunday morning (She’s elderly and doesn’t drive) so Sister-in-law Diva could concentrate on getting the kids and herself to church as the kids were “on program” as the old folks say. At 8:30am Mama Diva and I were ready but Madame X was still in her housecoat, cooking dinner! At about 8:45am she informed us that she wasn’t going to the Christmas program…at 8:45am! Now the church isn’t very far away but we don’t like rushing so we were understandably pissed! Mama Diva was REALLY pissed ‘cause that’s just how she is but she kept yappin’ about it all the way to church, which didn’t help matters!

As usual, all the children did an excellent job. Especially the little ones with their Christmas speeches – it was cuteness wrapped in sweetness nestled inside adorable ya’ll! So at 10am I hightailed it out of there and headed back to Madame X’s house. What should I find when I opened the door? Madame X’s other daughter baking up a storm and using the ingredients I’d sat out! Now it was my turn to be REALLY pissed! You see, we’d told Madame X that we’d planned to bake the cake and that I was coming home after the 9am service to do the baking. At no time did she mention her daughter would be starting her own bakery from her mother’s kitchen! After some deep breaths and a few bars of Om Shanti Shanti, I called Brother Diva, waking from a deep sleep of course, and asked him if I could come over to his house, changed my clothes, took what was left of my ingredients and made like the proverbial banana and split!

As you can imagine, I was spewing volcanic ash when I got to my brother’s house. I told him all about the last minute change in church plans and the miscommunication with Madame X and his sister-in-law. The conversation was as follows:

Him: So did you cuss her (his sister-in-law) out? [Grinning like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth]
Me: What? No! But I wanted too! I just figured she isn’t a blood relation so she’d have less incentive to keep talking to me if I pissed her off…
Him: [laughs]
Me: Seriously, I don’t understand these people sometimes! I told Madame X I’d be baking you a damn birthday cake! Why didn’t she tell me what was going on?
Him: Now you understand what I’ve been going through for the last 18 years…

Once I’d settled down, borrowed spare ingredients from Brother Diva and set everything up, I noticed I’d forgotten one ingredient so I had to go back to the House of Bakery Horror and get it. After I got back I discovered that Mama Diva, in her infinite wisdom, had placed the recipe in her purse! Not to worry, your intrepid baker went online and retrieved it. But wait! Brother Diva’s hand mixer is busted (Natch) so off he goes to buy another one! While he’s gone I make myself busy with egg separating, pecan pulverizing and playing with my brother’s beautiful doggie Naima the Basenji .

Now remember, I’d left Madame X’s house about 10:30am. It was after 1pm and I hadn’t even started that damn cake! By then Mama Diva had finally made it back from church – Yes that’s right, she’d been sitting in church for almost FOUR freakin’ hours – and she was not pleased to say the least! A typical church service for us lasts 1 hour, 2 hours tops for Christmas and Easter services! So I went back to Satan’s Sweet Shoppe and picked her and the cake recipe up and drove back to my brother’s house to start the cake. The two of us baked the hell out of that cake and it was fun watching my brother turn into a little boy, licking the beaters and the bowl! We even sang happy birthday to him as he blew out his candle. And that candle! My mother found an “Over the Hill” candle shaped like a tombstone that played the Death March. A barrel of laughs is my sweet mother!

After the mini-celebration we headed back to Madame X’s Torte Torture Chamber for we had been summoned, under penalty of extreme annoyance, to come and partake of the meal she had so fiendishly prepared! The night passed peacefully enough but Christmas morning brought with it fresh horror! [Insert evil laugh]

So it’s Christmas morning and we’re all chillin’. Madame X is banging around in the kitchen and Mama Diva and me are doing our own thing. The phone rings and it’s Sister-in-law Diva, she wants me and the mother to come over for dinner. We both think this a little odd because that would mean we’d have two Christmas dinners but we didn’t complain. We just packed up the pressies and headed out to the brother’s house. Dinner was really nice and the five of us (the Niece was getting her hair did at Madame X’s house. Don’t ask!) had a grand old time. I even took Naima out for a walk around the neighborhood. We met one of the neighbors; the conversation was as follows:

Me:[to Naima] Say hello!
Neighbor: Hello!
Me:Wow! I was talking to the dog but you are very obedient!

So after the walk we all headed back to Madame X’s house (except for Little Miss Naima) for Christmas Part 2. Me and the mother headed to our rooms to pack and get ready for bed because we had an extra early flight the next morning. While I was chatting to galaxyMafia on the phone my brother walked in and informed me that I needed to move my belongings to my mother’s room. I said ok and continued to gab. About two minutes later Mama Diva flung open the door and told me to move my ass so I hung up the phone and got to steppin’! Apparently Madame X had invited a relative to stay the night and my mother thought it was silly to have two old ladies sleep in the same bed when the two us were leaving so early in the morning. Well Madame X didn’t want me to move but Mama Diva insisted so we changed the sheets and I moved all my shizz into the spare room.

After all the un-Christmas like exertion I really was exhausted and decided to turn in. While I was dozing off I heard Mama Diva yelling and soon after she came busting into the room we now shared. As you can imagine I was concerned so I asked her what all the hollin’ was all about. She said she’d tried to explain to Madame X that is made no sense to have two people in a bed when we were leaving in the morning but Madame X wouldn’t listen and blah…blah…blobity BLAH! I tried to calm her down by explaining that Madame X never listens to anyone, even her own children, but Mama Diva wasn’t hearing it! So then I tried to explain that yelling at your son’s mother-in-law in front of the in-laws and the grandchildren, probably wasn’t the best way to foster goodwill between the families. Besides, we were heading home and Brother Diva had to stay there and live with the repercussions of that shizz!

Logic and reason prevailed (but just barely) and Mama Diva apologized to the in-laws, the grandchildren and her son. And I was finally able to get the hell to sleep seeing as how I was going to have to drive our asses to LAX in the morning! The flight back was packed and there were the usual annoyances like crying babies, inconsiderate passengers and tight seating but we made it back in one piece. THE END…Or is it? [Insert evil laugh]

And one last thought…

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler. – Henry David Thoreau

Well Dear Readers, I’ve blown my expository wad! Was it as good for you as it was for me? I know this post was long, rambling and pointless but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing your life isn’t as pathetic as mine. And really, isn’t that what blogging is all about? – GD

Juan Martin Berberian (Argentina) –OH…MY…DAMN! ¡Debo conseguir a la Argentina antes de que vaya su cuerpo frío!



Sean Fergus Lamont (Scotland) – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Scots are sexy! Can you believe that ass?!?!? Holy syht!





Jean Monribot (France) – Simply perfection!



Yann Morand-Bruyard (France) – Don’t you just love his outtie belly button? I want to lick it!



Mirco Bergamasco (Italy) – This photograph looks so peculiar and dirty! Was he drunk? Dancing at a rave and high on E? Whatever the inspiration behind the photograph, Mirco looks like a hot piece of rugby trash and I love it!



Hot Naked Ruggers United – THE END YA’LL!



Damn but that was hot! [Fanning myself] – GD


More rugby hotness found here

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to the very first SNV of 2007! We have some lovely specimens for you tonight, all different flavors, sizes and sexualities so go get your towels (and some lotion or lube if you’re a guy) and relax as you watch some of the best Hot Ass Men the Internet has to offer. Please don’t uh, sprain anything and WOOT! WOOT! ya’ll!

My fantasy…two studs in underwear!

More hot models like these found here

Lucious Lucio


Lots and lots of real pictures of real, hot men!



A boy and his football…on the beach!


Very hot model named Anderson Dornelles


And as always, for the ladies who likey the bodybuilders:


My New Year is off to a rollicking start! Yay! Now if only I could find a higher paying job… – GD

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Well folks, Valentine’s Day is only a month away, and it got galaxyMafia to thinking (no, that wasn’t an earthquake. . .it was the sound of the wheels turning in my brain) about how she hasn’t gone on a “real” date in about three years. And by “real” date, she means someone she would actually be excited to dress up and/or put on make-up and/or provocative lingerie for; someone she wouldn’t mind making out with on the couch after all is said and done and the check is paid (by said exciting date, bien sur!). The whole concept of Valentine’s Day usually sets galaxyMafia’s teeth on edge (which sucks because she paid a lot for this dazzling smile), what with all the hearts and flowers and folks coupling up like it’s the second coming of Noah’s Ark. Specifically, she can’t stand how the Valentine marketing orcs (to borrow a phrase from Ms. GD) make women (never men, only women) feel like they are fat, ugly, worthless and loveless if they can’t get a date on the big Feb 14. It’s the one day that reduces married women and those gals in relationships (committed or otherwise) to jealous shrews, holding onto their men with such fierce tenacity even the Jaws of Life couldn’t set the guy free. These women spend the month leading up to the Big Day on the verge of a nervous breakdown (go Pedro Almovadar!), making all sort of unholy alliances to keep from getting dumped before Cupid comes to town. And once le jour d’amour has passed, they kick the slob to the curb themselves.

And what becomes of the single unattached female? Why, she spends her time screeching to anybody within a twenty mile radius how she’s glad she doesn’t have man because she’s an independent woman who can take care of herself and do her own thing and by the way, she’s got her own house, her own car, a good job and. . .
. . .and then she cries vehemently into her pillow at night, staining those lovely 500-threat count sheets because the one thing she doesn’t have is some jackass to get on her damn nerves like all her friends.

And so what of galaxyMafia. . .? Will she spit and hiss at Valentine’s Day (again) or will she go out and find herself some bloke to take her to a nice restaurant, and then make like a banana and spilt. . .after all, she’s got two (count ‘em, folks) two books to revise and a new job to secure if she hopes to make it to the bottom of the world this summer for Tri-Nations.

As a matter of fact (or fiction, take yer pick), galaxyMafia is thinking about embarking upon the GREAT VALENTINE’S DAY CHALLENGE – one month to find a half-decent, attractive, tall (over 6") man to buy her some fried oysters at Kemah.

So guys and dolls, do you think galaxyMafia can do it? Will she find a date in thirty days? Or will she end up on the 14th of February sitting in front of a computer (hopefully her own), revising chapter seven of her novel?

As they used to say on those old television shows. . .

Stay tuned. . .or, logged onto the Internet, rather!

Copyright 2007. . .galaxyMafia left work early because she was shaking and feverish. . .she will take this as a sign as to how her hot make-out session will go!!

As galaxyMafia was looking through some old files, she came across the from 2004:


January 1, 2004
Happy new year. Will bite my tongue so as not to be sarcastic but don’t see anything very happy about it at this moment. The night is young though. Here’s my 2003 year in review. “The Heartbreak Diet” - Cried and didn’t eat and lost a lot of weight due to the burdensome stress of crying while simultaneously not eating. But when people asked, gave 24 Hour Fitness the credit. Destroyed ex-idiot’s laptop. On Easter weekend no less! Cops call my house. Thought I was going to jail. Or have to hire a lawyer who wanted me to give him $3700. eventually worked it out and paid for the damn thing. But still couldn’t let it go. Became a spy and joined a chat group for white dudes and black chicks and eventually got kicked off but managed to retain one friend. An old white guy. Sent crazy emails. Found a cool apartment for myself on the day one of ex-idiot’s friends threatened to press charges against me for hacking into her computer. Surely, she jested. About the hacking, not the pressing charges. Don’t know if she ever did because the cops never called me. Moved out of old apartment and into new apartment. Car fell completely apart and needed, after five years of needing nothing, almost five thousand in repairs. Spied on guy who looked like ex-idiot and got fired for it. They thought I was stalking him, I thought I was spying but, it was his perception that mattered and ultimately led to my untimely dismissal. I suppose he might have the occasion to feel superior because he got someone fired but, little did he know, I hated that job and didn’t really care for the people I worked with so. . .it was a blessing. The only thing I lost was the cool apartment and I guess I didn’t really lose that because I rented it because it was close to the ex-idiot’s house and it was easy for me to spy on him. And I did spy. I got caught spying and though it was funny, or tried to think that but it was sad. But I spied again though. Started dating. A lot. Turns out people like the way I look. Still think they are myopic, though. They all just want to pork me anyway so who cares?

On to the new year.
Working at Macy’s but hope to start subbing soon. Need to look into teacher certification programs. Want to teach now. Will be making the same I made at the oil and gas operation but will be able to keep my soul which was quickly atrophying day by day at that place where I was just a cog in their disastrous machine. How is that for melodrama. Hope to find a temp job. Or a job at Dillard’s where they are supposedly paying folks $11 bucks an hour. In the love department. No viable prospects. Just middle aged divorced white men who want to pork me and don’t want to get married again or have any more children. Need to get ready for work. We have inventory training and it was written that we were not to be late. Sure.


Well, galaxyMafia no longer works at Macy's and she no longer dates. She didn't become a teacher because she wasn't good enough and never got called for a second interview. She no longer spies. She can currently be found living a pathetic shell of a life, waiting to be put out of her misery by whatever means necessary.

copyright 2006. . .galaxyMafia. . .is a girl who has cried every day [and is currently crying as she writes this - HA!] since January 1. She wonders how long it will last and hopes that anyone who can laugh about this be given the freedom to do so without fear of retaliation. She used to have a favorite quote but she forgot it. It talked about how it was better to have not been born. Suppose galaxyMafia had died when she was just two days old. Surely, it would have been sad for her mother but not for galaxyMafia. . .and of course, the father would have moved on.

Anyway, live long and prosper.
Happy New Year

But I love her anyway! So I decided to accept her tagging challenge and have answered all her impertinent (Yet still very tame and, dare I say, naïve) questions. Enjoy!

1.) How old were you the first time? Mid-twenties (I know, late bloomer).

2.) Name of your first? Can’t remember. I can’t even remember his face! But I remember that dick …


3.) Good or Bad? I didn’t do it for pleasure; I did it for the experience. Now the second guy was like WHOA! 


4.) Name of the worst and why? Can’t remember his name. Actually I had more than one “Worst”. I would say “worst” is anyone who is inattentive or too self-centered to be concerned with my pleasure. Or if he has a small, ineffectual dick! 


5.) Name of the best and why? Can’t tell you the name but she was the best so far because she was the opposite of the worst: very attentive and considerate. 


6.) Weirdest place you ever had sex? Haven’t had the chance yet! 


7.) Favorite Position? Any position where we’re facing each other. I love watching a man’s face when he orgasms! And I like kissing while we both cum.


8.) Ever fake an orgasm? Yes! Anything to get that weak nigga the hell off me! 


9.) Would you admit it if the person asked? Depends on the person. Unfortunately most guys don’t want to know or wouldn’t believe it anyway. 



10.) Favorite time of day to have sex? Afternoon or early morning. 


11.) Most times you have had sex in one day? 4 times. Any more than that and I’d go crazy! I have a short attention span! 


12.) Same person? Uh…yeessss! 


13.) Ever fantasize about someone other than the one you’re with? Never (at least not yet). 


14.) Restrictions during sex? No TV or radio and the ringer (cell and land line) must be turned off! 


15.) Accessories? Yes…several…


16.) Done it in the rain? Nope. 


17.) Done it in a car? Only “heavy petting”. I don’t like confined spaces. 


18.) Had a Threesome? No…but if I found two interested, sexy men…


19.) Want to have sex now? I’m sleepy now. Does it count if I dream about the sex? 


Now it’s my turn! I’m tagging all the people we’ve listed on our blog as well as ALL the people who read this blog! How’s that for being a noisy heifer? – GD



Old school cover art found here

2 Comments

Here we go ya’ll, one mo ‘gain with Sex and the Sushi’s year end best and worst list. Now with Extra Snark! Enjoy!

Movie

Best – The Devil Wears Prada
The book, a hematoma of bad writing billed as the "phenomenal New York Times bestseller" only got that title because Lauren Weisberger was dishing about brittle Vogue editor Anna "Nuclear Winter" Wintour. The movie however, doesn't suffer from mixed metaphors and dangling participles. A delightful comedy, it's an enchanting cautionary tale about bosses from hell and the ambitious young things who will never please them.

Worst – Running Scared
See galaxyMafia’s review

Television Show

Best – The Unit/Ugly Betty

The Unit – Dennis Haysbert leads the charge as Jonas "Snake Doc" Blaine, head of a team of elite soldiers who carry out dangerous secret missions for the US government. Sleek, clever and deadly, these guys always get the target right betwixt the eyes. Thankfully, though, there are no dapper 007s running amok here (though the boys do tidy up nicely when the mission calls for it). These government enhanced Alpha males drink domestic beer, spilt verbs and wouldn't be caught dead trying to neutralize the enemy with a Walther PPK. These guys don't get out of bed if they can't use SAMs (surface-to-air missiles - number one on any badass feminista’s wish list). But, the best part about them is that they're still afraid of their wives.

Ugly Betty – This show is about as perfect a show as you can get on network TV! All the wit and bite of other “insider” type shows with none of the stomach churning schmaltz of family shows like 7th Heaven and everything on ABC Family. And all of this is done with the sort of camp that slaps you upside the head then pushes you down into the hairdresser’s chair for a thorough and well overdue makeover! Also, who couldn’t love the beautiful, voluptuous America Ferrera? We first fell in love with her and her juicy, real woman sexiness in the movie Real Women Have Curves and that love has only blossomed and grown with every episode of this show!

Runner Up – Fashion House
See Glamour Diva’s review

Worst – We don’t have a worst TV show at this time. We haven’t had time to watch too much bad TV because we’ve been spending way too much time foaming at the mouth over rugby!

Reality Show

Best – The Amazing Race
This show hasn't won a gazillion Emmys in a row for nothing. It's smart, stylized and the winners don't have to lie, cheat and scheme to get the cash in the end. . .well, not usually anyway.

Worst – The Bachelor/Flava of Love

The Bachelor – I don't know what's worse. That ABC hasn't cancelled this sexist drivel or that thousands of lonely, desperate, seething harpies continue to sign up to be exploited, objectified and ridiculed for a chance with some loser who will dump her three weeks after the finale, claiming "too much time apart" kept their love from blossoming.

Flava of Love – Damn! Damn! Damn! And damn again we scream! We were down with Flav when he was coonin’ for a cause with Public Enemy but Hip Hip’s most famous and entertaining Hype Man has sunk to an all time low with this shizz! That’s right, continuing to wallow in drug addiction would have been a much more honorable way of hastening his untimely demise than staring in this travesty of broadcast television! And the women?!? Oh…my…GOD! Where do we even freakin’ begin? This show sets ALL women back, not just the “colored” ones people! The Sushi Girls don’t mind a woman fighting for her man but you’d think by now we would have learned the difference between a good man and no’count loser! But alas none of us, male and female, colored and pasty white, have learned a damn thing since Adam and Eve got their sinning asses kicked the hell out of the Garden of Eden! Sigh…

Best Song/Album

Female
Mary J. Blige, The Breakthrough

Male
Robin Thicke, The Evolution of Robin Thicke

Celebrity Breakup

Best – Britney Spears & Kevin Federline, Vince Vaughn & Jennifer Aniston
Take one mega rich but still very lonely Southern girl with low self-esteem and add one opportunistic, self-proclaimed “Jack the Lad” with baby mama drama and you have a recipe for disaster. We will not cry for these two fools because they never should have been together in the first place! The only ones we even come close to caring about are those precious babies. Like the saying goes, you can pick your ass but you can’t pick your parents! And as far as Jen and Vince go – this should prove once and for damn all that rebound relationships don’t work! It was shaky from the start but when they had the unmitigated gall to star in a movie together we knew they were doomed for sure. Just who do you think you are J&V? Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman? Tracy and Hepburn? Bacall and Bogart? Please! Just chalk this up to temporary insanity and move on, preferably away from our television and movie screens.

Worst – Hilary Swank & Chad Lowe, Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Philippe
What becomes of the husband and wife who should have stuck it out? In Hollywood, that manufactured cotton candy dreamland, it seems no one takes their marriage vows seriously. "I do" is merely the latest catchphrase and "til death do us part" can be negotiated by a team of Harvard-educated barristers. It seemed however, that Hilary/Chad and Reese/Ryan would grin and bear it. After all, marriage is a partnership, a lifelong commitment, or so the Hallmark cards say. Sure, both Hil and Reece brought home all the bacon and fried it up in a pan. And sure, they were married to eunuchs who couldn't buy a decent movie role but is that any reason to sever the union? Just goes to show, the world (i.e. Hollywood) is not quite ready for the Alpha Girl.

Biggest Cad/Wanton Woman

Kevin Federline and Denise Richards

Denise Richards – Oh Denise. We were so with you when you dumped that fat head, whoremongering pseudo cholo Charlie Sheen particularly because we couldn't understand how a lovely girl like you could get herself hemmed up with Chuck "I BRAKE FOR PROSTITUTES" Sheen. Surely, we mused, Denise could do better than that. Little did we know you were about to do much worse. Little did we know you would turn into a wanton hussy, breaking the one unpardonable sin among girlfriends: Thou shalt not enter into an illicit affair with thy girlfriend's husband - especially when the divorce isn't even final!!

Kevin Federline – What a major dumb ass! You were living the dream! You had a rich, hot wife and you didn’t even have to pay your own child support! But you just couldn’t handle all those perks and all that freedom could you? You just had to act like a wannabe “baller/shot caller” bragging about how you had Brit Brit on lock! And then came the all night partying, solo trips to Las Vegas, shopping sprees (On wifey’s dime of course), failed music career attempts (When Britney Spears tells you your album sucks you really should listen baby), and the ho’s. BOY IS YOU CRAZY?!?!? The answer to that is apparently a resounding YES!

Class of 2007 Most Likely To Succeed

Jennifer Hudson
Anybody that proves Simon Cowell and Co. wrong as well as upstaging Beyonce in her supposed “breakthrough movie role” is a winner in our book! And you did it all while representing the juicy/dark girls! Go head then girl but watch ya back…Papa and Mama Knowles will cut a bitch!

Christopher Paolini
This twentysomething novelist had to self-publish his first book AND hawk it at trade shows, flea markets and libraries. But, his diligence paid off. Word of mouth about his tale of a boy and his dragon spread and before you could say five-book deal with Random House, the book, "Eragon" was blowing up C.P.'s spot. With his book deal and subsequent film deal not to mention the games, stuffed animals and gift cards, the guy who penned the story of a blue dragon has created a cottage industry that will outrival Harry Potter in the years to come.

Class of 2007 Least Likely To Succeed

Rosie O’Donnell
We understand how it feels to finally come to terms with who you are and we congratulate Rosie for coming out of the closet and becoming such a powerful and outspoken advocate for Gay Rights and adoption reform (Two things we feel very strongly about here at SATS). However, if the woman keeps accusing people of hatin’ on gay folk without substantial proof and picking on Donald Trump and Kelly Ripa et al, she might find herself without a damn job come 2008. Let’s not get too giddy over our newly minted Democratic Congress Dear Rosie. This is still America you know.

Star Jones
Star has admitted that she was humbled by her experience on The View so we won’t be too hard on her but we still say she needs to disappear for a while. At least until America’s short-term memory problem has had a chance to kick in. Americans love nothing more than watching a celebrity disintegrate spectacularly in front of their eyes then rise from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix. But if you don’t give us a chance to forget why we hated you in the first place then how can we love you again Star? Please go somewhere and sit down for a minute okay?

Best/Worst PR

Best – Nick Lachey
Your PR Toadies waved their magic wands and turned a cad into a hero. Your CD even sold more than your bubble headed Ex! America loves you now Nick; you won! And really that’s all that matters now don’t it?

Worst – Jessica Simpson
Girl please fire your PR team! And while you’re at it get your father fitted with a muzzle, bind him with duct tape, shove him in a burlap sack and hide him in a basement at an undisclosed location until he learns to shut his damn mouth and stay out yo business! Didn’t you realize something was wrong when people started saying Ashlee was hotter than you? Oh but no see! Sisterhood is one thing but celebrity is something else all together. God gave you that face and those curves for a reason Miss Thang so in the immortal words of RuPaul, you better work!

Worst Haters of 2006

Ann Coulter
She accuses people of treason, can barely speak to liberals (if she must), and calls 9/11 widows godless. Which, makes her worthless, loveless, childless, brainless, husbandless and sexless. . .which we suspect is the root of all her tyrannical ranting and raving.

Oprah vs Hip Hop (50 Cent, Ludicris, Ice Cube, et al.)
Have you all run out of stories about how much money you have, comparisons to Italian Mafiosos, selling drugs, runnin’ the ho’s, and getting ya ass shot off 100 times and living to tell the tale? Now you have to pick on Oprah? We agree that she can be a bit annoying but please! We think you have more important things to worry about like the PR problem Hip Hop has had for the last twenty years. Get your priorities straight people!

Republicans
As the saying goes, people who live in glass houses (with kiddie porn mags, lists of illegal campaign contributions and dead American soldiers strewn all over the floor) shouldn’t throw stones…at Democrats, Moderates. Independents, the Green Party and anyone else who refuses to be held down under the heel of your shiny jack boots!

LULAC, ACLU and all rampant, fire breathing, pro-immigration folk
You poor, misguided souls. Allowing the whole world live and/or work in the U.S. is not good for the world or the U.S.! Why? Because the only reason we tolerate “your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” is because they work for peanuts and live in conditions that no self-respecting goat would live in with little to no health care and also because they allow us (and by “us” we mean America, The Sushi Girls included) to continue to be lazy and self-centered, bourgeoisie pig dogs!

People Most In Need Of A Slap Across The Face With A Fish

Nancy Grace
Your seething, hissing haranguing should not drive people to suicide!

Mike Boogie, et al
Boogie and Dr. Will Kirby, the duplicitous duo, proved once again that liars, back-stabbers, manipulators, and cheaters always win - especially on lame ass reality shows. When Boogie and Kirby weren't "show-mancing" bubble-headed ditzoids, they were creating fake alliances, manipulating the weaker vessels and plotting against Kayser, whose good looks made him a perma target of Dr. Evil until he tricked others into ousting the devoted Muslim. The only honest statement Mike Boogie made was this: "I'm going to hell." True dat!

Eva Longoria & Tony Parker
We appreciate what a deep, raw dickin’ can do for a girl but must we hear about it all the time? And must we see your smug little Latina face everywhere we look reminding us of how little sex we’re getting? You know neither you nor your man is really all that! And yes we’re hating but you get on our nerves chica! [Sticking out our tongues at you and your French fried chere!]

Hookups That Made Us Say…What The Fuck?

Lindsay Lohan & Stavros Niarchos
Paris Hilton’s sloppy seconds L2? Oh hells no!

Paris Hilton & Travis Barker
Huh? But why? No seriously, what the fuck was that all about?

Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock…again!
Pam baby…we think your implants might be leaking. How else to explain your asinine decision to hook up with KR? For fuck’s sake Pam think of the children! And our delicate stomachs!

Eddie Murphy & Melanie Brown AKA Scary Spice
Eddie know he was wrong for that! First of all everyone knows Eddie got color issues from waaaaaaaay back! Melanie, while not as dark as one of Eddie’s exes, Robin Givins, was still too dark for him. Just look at his Ex-Wife and his current paramour, Tracey Edmonds. Also, like Jen and Vince, rebound relationships never…EVER…work! We don’t know what the hell Mel B. was thinking but she should have done her damn homework before releasing her eggs for EM. Now she’s got to prove the paternity of her baby because Eddie couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Oh LAWD!

In Desperate Need Of Therapy In 2007

Lindsay Lohan
Dear LL (or L2 if you prefer). Girl, what's really going on? Flashing your cooch? Drinking at your AA meetings? Rambling essays on your MySpace filled with gratuitous grammatical mistakes? Hitting up that scruffy stiff Al Gore for help? Listen; find somebody to talk to who won't sell your business to US magazine. Doesn't matter if he's got a Freudian slant or a Jungian bent. Just don't show your goodies when you splay out provocatively on his couch.

Mel Gibson/Michael Richards
If the antics of these fools can’t convince white America that racism still exists them we don’t know what can! And wouldn’t it be swell if all white people could sit on an analyst’s couch and talk through their anger and hatred issues? Yea right…

Best/Worst Politician

Best – Barack Obama
For staying his ass out of the (negative) news thus preserving his sexy AND self-respect! And also for having the good taste to marry the lovely and talented (and dark skinned) Mrs. Obama as opposed to some light skinned, underachieving “black” woman or worse, some pasty faced, underachieving white woman. Yes we went there. What of it?

Worst – Mark Foley (Washington Page Scandal)
You cowardly, pedophilic sonofabitch! The very thought of you makes us wretch! And for the record Mark you don’t go to rehab for pedophilia. Are you honestly trying to imply that a substance abuse problem led you to seek sex from underage males? You ignorant fucker! You’re a sick and twisted individual with or without intoxicants and you best to deal with your issues instead of whitewashing them. Also, believe that we don’t accept you trying to further imply that homosexuality and pedophilia are one in the same. We’re on to you and all the other hatemongerers who keep trying to shove that old chestnut down our collective throats!

Trends We Don’t Want To See In 2007

Adopting African orphans for PR reasons
Skinny jeans
Eating disorders
Celebrities with MySpace/YouTube accounts
Misuse of the term “Baby Mama/Daddy”

Trends We Do Want To See In 2007

Dance Off’s as conflict resolution
More gratuitous male nudity
A nation-wide, grassroots movement to get American children adopted by Americans

Best/Worst Hair Weave or Wig


Best – Beyonce Knowles
If you’ve ever seen Ms. B work her weave then you now she gotz the top of the line, real Indian hair from top of the line, real desperately poor Indian women. No “Yakky” will do for young Ms. Knowles. And besides, Mama and Papa Knowles would beat her within an inch of her life if she walked out the house with a raggedy weave!

Worst – Tyra Banks
How many times must we be subjected to the site of Ms. Banks on the red carpet in her fucked up wig? Is it just us or does she look like that elderly aunt we all have who refuses to give up on that old, dusty, matted wig she’s had since 1942? Yes that’s what we thought…

Best/Worst Dictator

Best – Kim Jong-il
You know you're a good dictator when your people don't understand the concept of television while you sit on the couch with a beer and a bucket of chicken watching "Flava of Love"

Worst – Saddam Hussein
You know you're not really cut out for this dictator stuff when the US catches you in an underground bunker, you go on trial and end up hung while Shiites stick out their tongues

Best Sex Tape We’re Bummed We Never Got A Chance To See

Colin Farrell & Nicole Narain
What a shame! Will we ever get a chance to see what Colin’s really workin’ with? Sigh.

Worst Sex Tape We’re Thrilled We Never Got A Chance To See

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline
Wasn’t “Chaotic” enough to make us vomit our spleens? Eeeeew! as well as Ick!

Worst H.A.Ms. (Hot Ass Messes) of 2006

Nicolas Cage
Lil’ Kim
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen
Clay Aiken
Serena Williams
David Caruso
Kate Bosworth
Keanu Reeves
Janice Combs
Sylvester Stallone
Mariah Carey
Rachel Zoe
Brandon Davis
Remy Ma
Donald Trump
Ice-T and wife CoCo
Fergi
Evan Ross (Diana's son)
DMX
Naima from ANTM
Wendy Williams
Golden Brooks
Flav and every woman on the Flava Of Love

Rugby

With all of 2006's rugby posts you knew we’d have to go there so don’t front Dear Readers!

Best/Worst Looking Rugby Players

Best Looking
Ben Cohen (Scotland)
Doug Howlett (NZ)
Frédéric Michalak (France)
Joe Rokocoko (NZ)
Jonny Wilkinson (England)
Lome Fa’atau (NZ)
Ma'a Nonu (NZ)
Malili “Mils” Muliaina (NZ)
Mirco Bergamasco (Italy)
Mose Tuiali’I (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Richard Kahui (NZ)
Sean Fergus Lamont (Scotland)
Shannon Paku (NZ)
Sione Lauaki (NZ)
Sosene Anesi (NZ)
Tamati Ellison (NZ)
Tana Umaga (NZ)
Yannick Nyanga (France)

Jerry Collins (NZ) – Ms. GD and GM were split on Mr. Collins (Miss Sakamoto abstained). Ms. GD thought his magnificent body; outstanding height and winning personality outweighed his homely visage. GM is more of a purest and thought he should be relegated to the Worst Looking category, regardless of his near perfect physique. So we decided we’d leave it up to you, our Dear Readers, to decide where JC should go. Is he the Hotness or the Notness? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Worst Looking
The entire Welsh national team (Save for one Mike Phillips ). Seriously people, view the rest of them at your peril! You know The Sushi Girls wouldn’t lie to you baby!

Chris Masoe (NZ) – Bad skin and just all around unattractive ya’ll!

Dan Carter (NZ) – Crazy hair, average looks, irritating voice and too trendy for his own damn good.

Fabien Pelous (France) – He looks like something from The Island of Doctor Moreau, a cross between Frankenstein’s monster and a boxer puppy

John Afoa (NZ) – Cro-Magnon man lives !

Keven Mealamu (NZ) – He looks like he’s been hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels…repeatedly and without mercy.

Leon MacDonald (NZ) – Nosferatu Lives !

Mat Rogers (Australia) – Was the man attacked by a gang of marauding kangaroos?

Runners Up – The entire Irish national team

Most Overrated/Underrated Rugby Players

Overrated – Dan Carter
We know what you’re thinking, he’s a rugby player therefore he must have a good body and that should count for something right? And how can we hate on a player that kicks for damn near 100% in every game? We feel you rugby lovers but simply having a “good” body isn’t enough to satisfy our rugby lust. We want our ruggers to be sick wit it baby! And as for his kicking ability, well it’s easy to make every kick when you’re a perfectly calibrated robot! Yes we said it! DAN CARTER IS A ROBOT! Now you know the truth!

Underrated – Lome Fa’atau
This is what happens when you have principles and the strength of your convictions – no one knows who the fuck you are and people who are younger and not nearly as hot or talented as you win awards for their boring, undeserving (And some would say robotic…*cough*Dan Carter*cough*) work during Super 14. Doesn’t being the top try scorer mean anything?!? If he’d forsaken his Manu Samoa and Pacific Islander brethren and sold his soul to the All Blacks organization he’d be a world sensation by now. But alas he’s on the wrong side of thirty, as the rugby pundits like to screech, and no one gives a damn. Sad isn’t it?

Best Rugby Player Names

Malili Muliaina (NZ)
Neemia Tialata (NZ)
Casey Laulala (NZ)
Lolo Lui (Italy)

Rugby Hairdos

Best
Daniel Leo
Lome Fa’atau
Ma’a Nonu
Neemia Tialata
Tana Umaga

Worst
Dan Carter
Jason Eaton
Jerry Collins
Luke McAlister
Mils Muliaina
Sione Lauaki

Shawtest Rugby Shawt Shawts

Jimmy Gopperth (NZ) - Mr. Gopperth will miss a damn kick but Oh Lawd! how we love looking at those long, perfectly toned legs! Land sakes alive!

Runner Up – Shannon Paku

Worst Rugby H.A.Ms.

Dan Carter
Mils Muliaina
Stephen So'oialo

Best Rugby Fights

Crusaders vs Hurricanes: Neemia Tialata choking the ever lovin’ hell out of Richie McCaw and Tialata frontin’ like he couldn’t remember that shizz later!

Super 14 2006 Final: Ma’a Nonu and Richie McCaw choking hell out of each other in the fog!

[What is it about Richie McCaw that makes Hamos want to choke the hell out of him? We say he better watch his back!]

Runners Up
Bulls vs Hurricanes: Tialata takes on two players...simultaneously!
Waratahs vs Hurricanes (Super 14 Semi-Final): Peter Hewat gets in Ma’a Nonu’s face. Nonu begins to choke hell out of Hewat. Piri Weepu rockets out of nowhere, grabbing Hewat around the head and putting him in a head lock!