OVERRATED!!!
Don’t believe the hype!
These boys look hot and tasty but, they’re always faded, often multiplied, divided, subtracted and duplicated. . .
In the world premiere of this exclusive column, galaxyMafia and Glamour Diva present to you the boys you objectify but. . .somehow, you just don’t know why. . .
Could it be because they’re overrated. . .?
To be inspected: JESSE METCALF
His publicist will tell you he’s: Suicide hot!!! Translation = He’s so fine he’ll make you jump off a damn building! But, wait, before you take that quantum leap, peep this. . .
The sad, irrevocable truth about him is: He’s barely medium. . .a few herbs and spices but not enough to really wake up your taste buds. Jesse is cute but in an artificially sweet way like aspartame. He’s sure to leave a sticky, stale aftertaste.
OK, so let me break it down like a complex carbohydrate. Jesse’s the guy who plays the gardener who’s boffing E. Lo on “Desperate Housewives”. And when they say gardener, they want you to think the following:
1) He mows the yard
2) He gets all hot and sweaty
3) He takes off his shirt
4) He waters the grass with a hose, AND
5) He (ala peanut butter sandwiches!) trims bushes!!!!!
And because of that, they expect you to get all a-twitter and a-flutter, they think you're supposed to get all hot and bothered over that tired “sexy gardener” routine. But, it’s played out, it’s been done before by guys who are really worth their hedge clippers. Trust me, Jesse has no idea how to use a hoe.
GalaxyMafia gives him a: Grade N+
Look, with a punk wuss name like Jesse (yes, I know he was David’s dad but, he didn’t give David his propers so. . .) he’s bound to be a jellyfish (and no, I don’t mean Portuguese Man-O-War).
These boys look hot and tasty but, they’re always faded, often multiplied, divided, subtracted and duplicated. . .
In the world premiere of this exclusive column, galaxyMafia and Glamour Diva present to you the boys you objectify but. . .somehow, you just don’t know why. . .
Could it be because they’re overrated. . .?
To be inspected: JESSE METCALF
His publicist will tell you he’s: Suicide hot!!! Translation = He’s so fine he’ll make you jump off a damn building! But, wait, before you take that quantum leap, peep this. . .
The sad, irrevocable truth about him is: He’s barely medium. . .a few herbs and spices but not enough to really wake up your taste buds. Jesse is cute but in an artificially sweet way like aspartame. He’s sure to leave a sticky, stale aftertaste.
OK, so let me break it down like a complex carbohydrate. Jesse’s the guy who plays the gardener who’s boffing E. Lo on “Desperate Housewives”. And when they say gardener, they want you to think the following:
1) He mows the yard
2) He gets all hot and sweaty
3) He takes off his shirt
4) He waters the grass with a hose, AND
5) He (ala peanut butter sandwiches!) trims bushes!!!!!
And because of that, they expect you to get all a-twitter and a-flutter, they think you're supposed to get all hot and bothered over that tired “sexy gardener” routine. But, it’s played out, it’s been done before by guys who are really worth their hedge clippers. Trust me, Jesse has no idea how to use a hoe.
GalaxyMafia gives him a: Grade N+
Look, with a punk wuss name like Jesse (yes, I know he was David’s dad but, he didn’t give David his propers so. . .) he’s bound to be a jellyfish (and no, I don’t mean Portuguese Man-O-War).
