A History of (being desensitized to) Violence:

Category: , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia


Recently, I saw the new Viggo Mortensen movie, “A History of Violence”. Based off the graphic novel of the same name, it tells the story of a cold-blooded killer who reinvented himself into a warm, loving family man.

In a word or two, it was succulent, superb (much like Eddie Cibrian, or in GlamourDiva’s case, Went Miller but, that’s another topic altogether!).

It was also painstakingly, unapologetically violent.

My reactions to the drama unfolding before me on that big screen were visceral, cacophonous, histrionic. I screamed, I howled, I slouched down in my seat while my legs sliced up through the air, I guffawed. I wondered, as I drove home, wishing that I had a husband like Viggo Mortensen’s Tom Stall character (a husband who can kill some asshole with a coffee pot and then come home and make love to me on the stairs with his hand around my throat), why had I laughed? Why had I shouted with glee? Why had none of that superfluous violence filled me with a terrifying dread (as the threat of an outbreak of the Ebola virus or the thought of that Ben Affleck/Jennifer Garner spawn does)? Why hadn’t it saddened me? Or made me worry about the state of the world and the way people are so vicious to each other for no damn good reason.

A History of Violence was raw, shocking, breathtaking and intense. It was also very funny. But, should it have made me laugh? Am I desensitized to violence? I decided the answer might be found in researching my own history of over-exposure to violence.

As a kid who lived in America, I was bombarded with tons of violent images from a very early age. You might know what violent images I’m talking about. That’s right, our old faithful friends. . .cartoons, the very epitome of violence.

Think about it, what did your parents do on Saturday morning? They weren’t out playing catch with you or taking you to the museum or teaching you how to perform linear algebraic equations so you could get a decent SAT score, were they? No, they had better ways to waste their time than spending it with some snot-nose, bratty kid. They plunked you down in front of the television with a bowl of Coco Puffs and turned the channel to whatever network was broadcasting “Looney Tunes”. And that’s where you saw Daffy Duck get all his damn feathers blow the fudge off with a shotgun. That’s where you saw Wile E. Coyote fall off dangerous precipices in the Grand Canyon and blow himself up time and again with those no-good, faulty incendiary devices from ACME (which makes you wonder. . .why did Wile E. continue to patronize that company time and again? Why didn’t he try to get his money back? Or, at least call the damn BBB on their ass!) And that’s were you saw a punk-wuss Sylvester the Cat get the shit kicked out of him by a kangaroo he’d mistakenly thought was a giant mouse. And were you horrified? Were you aghast and filled with righteous indignation? Not hardly. You laughed.

The next time you probably laughed at something violent was in grade school. Remember grade school? Apathetic teachers, moldy bathrooms, grade F mystery meat and playground politics so gruesome and vicious, they would make even that unrepentantly evil Dick Cheney sob hysterically. Do you perhaps recall when two kids, full of piss and vinegar, got into a bitching contest and came to blows over it? Remember what happened when one of the kids knocked the motherfudge out of the other kid? Remember how cool and funny it was? And when we recalled it the next day, as we retold it, we laughed! We didn’t care if some poor kid had gotten his head cracked open or his teeth knocked out of his mouth. The fight was funny and we laughed.

Now, in order not to blame our parents for our desensitization to violence (which is very tempting because our parents are usually to blame for most of the hell in our lives, right?), it is important to look at the country we were born and raised in. Yeah, that’s right I’m talking about America – that vicious, devious bitch (God Bless her!).

Think about it. America was stolen because of and subsequently founded upon Manifest Destiny. In other words, our founding fathers raped the land, and mindfucked the Indians into self-imposed exile on reservations like so much wall-eyed, nonchalant, cud-chewing cattle.
European colonization was all about violence. Pasty, thin-lipped white guys and their equally pasty women and chillun came over from England looking for a place where they could bust loose and go buck wild. When they got to America, it was on like a pot of neck bones! Free from suppressive (and largely hypocritical) Victorian morals and reactions, the colonists reverted to their primal nature – bloodthirsty sons of bitches. They did what all folks do when they leave home and go someplace where no one knows who the hell they are and no one is going to be able to go and blab to the folks back home what they did – they explored the facets of their personalities that heretofore they’d had to repress for fear of silver bells and cockle shells.

So, as I drove home from the movie, still all a-twitter and a-flutter and tingling from the sheer sensation of the experience, I realized that if I was the kind of person who took violence seriously, I never would have enjoyed “Pulp Fiction”.

In other words, as an American, I have violence in my blood, in my genetic code. As my French friend, Antoine says, “You Americans are obsessed with violence”. To some extent, that is true. But, we aren’t obsessed with violence because we want to be but, because we were given no other choice. As the drug lords say, “Silver or lead, bitch!”. My response to violence, while not constructive, is nevertheless typical. When violence is funny to us, then often that means our response is a defense mechanism (or contraption, if you prefer).

We laugh because with so much bloody, heart-wrenching nonsense going on in the world, we just don’t feel like crying about some guy getting his ass shot off fifteen minutes into the movie.

Copyright 2005. . .galaxyMafia will continue to laugh whenever some dumb fugger gets clocked in the face with a bag of hot nickels! (Unless it's Eddie Cibrian. . .then she will be dismayed and damaged!)

 

Bland. James Bland.

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia


Bland. James Bland.

Ask any slack-jawed Joe Schmoe Podunk yokel who his favorite James Bond actor is and he’ll lie and say, “Sean Connery”. And sure, you might be inclined to believe that Neanderthal. After all, it don’t get no cooler that Connery saying, in that frothy Scottish burr, “Bond. James Bond.”

Well. . .actually, it does get cooler. My favorite Scottish burr comes from that miser Scrooge McDuck who uttered such classics like, “I canna find m’lucky dime!”. Heck, I even like his arch-nemesis, that devious Flinthart Glomgold! Go “Ducktales”! It’s ya birthday!

The point is, even though Connery isn’t my favorite Bond (I’ll get to that later), there was something cool and iconic about Connery’s Bond, and that’s why people always say he’s their favorite Bond. Truth is, he’s the only damn Bond they can remember!

Now, after firing Pierce Brosnon (you remember him, doncha? You know, Steel. Remington Steel.), MGM and the powers that be behind the Bond franchise are slapping us in the face with another damn Bond that we’ll quickly forget.

His name is Daniel Craig (isn’t there some rule about never trusting men with two first names?) and he has the irrevocably absurd distinction of being the first blond Bond.

So, first we had Connery, and there was never any doubt as to what was under that kilt baby! A Walther PPK! Okaaay!!!!!!

Then we had that guy that nobody remembers, George Lazenby.

Then came Roger Moore, all one-liners and one night stands.

Then came my favorite: Timothy Dalton. Granted, I probably liked him the best because he was tall as fudge but I did like his performances. And interestingly, his performance was, I recently read, the closest to the way that Ian Fleming wrote Bond. Now, if you ignoramuses would bother cracking open a book or doing some research, you’d find that Mr. Fleming didn’t intend for Bond to be some jig-head poon hound. He was to be a serious agent serving Her Majesty, damnit!

Then came the Irishman, Brosnon, who’s Bond was a cheap mixture of Connery’s and Moore’s. He was a-shootin’ and a-screwin’, and usually at the same damn time. To give Brosnon his props, the Irishman did rather well as Bond, serving up a nice helping of cheddar for MGM and the Broccoli crew (who produce the franchise) however, he faced stiff competition from another pistol-packing, karate-chopping, car-chasing action anti-hero: Bourne. Jason Bourne.

Matt Damon took over as Jason Bourne, a role created in the land of TV mini-series by Richard Chamerlain, and although I am loathe to say it, Matt did a damn good job as the apathetic amnesiac assassin. Even though the Bourne movies lack the intricate and highly improbable plotting that is present in the Robert Ludlum novels on which they are based, these current screen adaptations are excellent, spy vs. spy at its best.

Now, here is what I think you should do. If you want to know how this darker, grittier, edgier, more character driven Bond will be then just go out and rent the Bourne movies. My guess is that Daniel Craig and the producers will use Matt Damon’s performance in the Bourne Identity as a paradigm.

In the Bourne movies, Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne is a trained killer but, and this is the most important thing, he had flaws. Serious flaws. Like, “he can kill a man with a folded newspaper and he doesn’t know why” flaws. Damon portrays Bourne with an apathetic pathos; he’s full of melodrama and histrionics and yet he can smother those raging emotions. He doesn’t exactly cry into his pillow at night but the point is, you get the feeling that he wants to, and that’s why you feel his pain, man, that’s why you want him to kick ass and take names. Even if he is Matt “punk-ass” Damon and as such does not deserve the level of box office success that he’s achieved with this franchise.

(You must excuse galaxyMafia. . .she has to take a moment to have a apoplectic fit: It should have been Ben Affleck as Jack Ryan, damn it! It should have been Ben with the big box office paper!)

Recently, an online article had this to say about Daniel Craig:
“. . .Craig radiates a magnetic, volatile screen presence. If this is how he plays Bond, then the new 007 will be one steely, ballsy son-of-a-bitch. . .”

Promises, promises. . .

Craig as the new Bond promises to be all hard and soft at the same time, sort of like a ‘smore. The producers are promising that we’ll find out what makes Bond who he is, what shaped and molded him, and what gave him texture. They promise that we’ll discover why he likes his martinis “shaken, not stirred” (which will be some explanation that won’t be as clever as the writers hope it will) and why he prefers one night stands (um, could it be because he’s a cold-hearted horny misogynistic bastard, perhaps. . .?). They even promise (Lord willing, if the crick don’t rise!) that James will (collective gasp) FALL IN LOVE. Can’t you just heart Nat crooning now? “When I fall in love. . .it will be forever. . .”

Nevertheless, all their promises sound to me like a whole lot of sound and fury signifying nothing (now, was that a Shakespeare or a Faulkner literary allusion, you ask? Well, it’s up to you! What’s that. . .? Never heard of Faulkner? Don’t understand Shakespeare. . .? Hmmm. . .pity).

The long and short of it is, this new blond Bond is a huge mistake and not just because of the hair color (I mean, can’t you see all the blond Bond jokes. . .comedy writers are rejoicing as I type this!). We who love and embrace and stroke and pet the Bond franchise don’t want some darker, grittier, edgier Bond. We don’t want to get dragged into Bond’s melodramatic pathos. We don’t want to know hurts him, what demons hound him, what atrocities have broken his heart. It’s a trip we don’t want to take and I say we act like petulant three-year-olds and refuse to get in the damn car! We don’t really want to know why he likes his martinis shaken (he just does, and we’re okay with that), and we don’t care why he’s a fervid slut puppy (he just is and that’s cool with us). We don’t want the mysteries of James Bond solved. We just want him to chase the bad guys, get the girl and spew a lot of lame ass double entendre along the way.

Let Matt Damon as Jason Bourne handle the pathos. James Bond will take care of the p*ssy!!

One thing I know is this: When the new, gritty Bond comes to the big screen in the form of Daniel Craig, I shall not be there.

All I can say is. . .

Bye. James Bye.

copyright 2005. . .mafia. GalaxyMafia likes her martinis neither shaken nor stirred and longs for the days when she would come home from school and watch "DuckTales". . .(sigh). . .oh, Unca Scrooge!!!!! I hardly knew ye!
 

I Need A Tequila Shot With A Vodka Chaser!

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

That’s right boys, Ms. GD is back and there is more than enough of me…er, I mean candy…to go around! Gosh, what a warm welcome from Tennessee State’s swim team! That sort of reception just makes a girl feel all warm and fuzzy inside. HEY! Get back you Lacrosse biotches! Back I say! Save some for everyone else! Damn! I swear they act like they’ve never had any chocolate before…





Now on to the random ramblings of the beauteous Ms. GD…



In Honor Of Halloween
Boy they let anyone have a political action committee these days! Ms. GD and galaxyMafia should start or own PAC – Women For The Objectification and Subjugation of Men. Has a nice ring to it don’t it? GM and I will discuss this later so back to the spoooookyness that is Lyndon LaRouche…

I was leaving class Tuesday night and saw this sitting on top of the trash. Now I don’t usually go around digging in the trash but I just couldn’t pass this gem by! Wow. Even crazy people can get it right every once in a while huh? You go Lyndon wit yo crackpot, conspiracy theory having, baaaaad self!


Nike Gets A Piece Of The Action
I like these new Nike ads…sort of. I like the fact that they feature non-emaciated women with athletic builds and various skin shades but I’m still having a problem with the dismembered body parts ya’ll. Just doesn’t sit right with me. It seems that women are still being picked apart and reduced to tits and ass in the media. Sure she’s got a nice ass (damn near hypnotic ain’t it?) but what about the rest of her? Does she have a name? What are her dreams, hopes and aspirations for the future? Does she vote? Would she like to join our PAC? Come on Nike…you can do better than this!

Thank God Almighty We’re Free (of Harriet Miers) At Last!
Man I thought that heifer would NEVER buy a clue! But at least she’s smarter than Dubbya. He would have kept pushing until that no skills having woman was confirmed! Crazy ass…

According to Newsday.com we have a new verb in our lexicon – miered. LOL You remember “borked” from the eighties right? Well this is similar:

On The National Review Online, a conservative site, a contributor suggested that "to mier" meant "to put your own allies in the most untenable position possible based upon exceptionally bad decision-making." Contributors to The Reform Club, a right-leaning blog, tried to distinguish between "miered" and "borked." One person wrote that to get "borked" was "to be unscrupulously torpedoed by an opponent" while to get "miered" was to be "unscrupulously torpedoed by an ally."

Ha…Ha…and HA! So who is next Duddya? Your dogwalker? The pool boy? Or one of your hellion twins mayhap? We just might be asking for Old Lady Miers back before long…

Well I am off to bed now. Mid-Term exams suck ass but then that’s nothing new is it? Nighty-night Tennessee State! Sleep tight and don’t let the Lacrosse team bite!

Glamour Diva will sleep the sleep of a student who is done with exams…and that’s some hard ass, deep as hell sleep! And you know this…Maaaaan! - GD












*Tennessee State pics stolen from Totty Land*
 

WHITE GIRLS CAN'T LOOSE!!!

Category: , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
In light of the recent events surrounding the Pitt/Aniston breakup and the huge, foaming, rabid, seemingly indestructible monster that is now “Bradgelina”, I recently began to wonder whose side I was on, Jenny’s or Angie’s, and as I was leaning (like the fudging Tower of Pisa, baby, okay!) towards Jenny’s side, it sudden hit me like a damn Louisville Slugger up side the damn head: I’m really not for Jenny or Angie. I mean, after all, they are “white girls”. . .so, what the damn hell are they complaining about?

Okay, first let’s get a bit of housekeeping in order. Let’s see, how shall I spin this so that the potential damage is controlled in the most efficient, effective manner possible: I so do not have anything against “white girls”. I so like “white girls”. In fact, some of my best friends are so “white girls”. So there!

Now that that’s out of the way. . .



Why Jennifer Aniston has no (legal or moral) right to complain.

Don’t tell me I don’t feel Jennifer’s pain, okay. As a matter of fact, I too was ruthlessly, with no provocation, kicked to the edge of the driveway by a cold, Draconian bastard with an ice chip where his heart should have been. My ex-idiot boyfriend was, like Brad Pitt, a “Flintheart Glumgold” (go “Duck Tales”! It’s ya birthday!): A lame ass duck minus the Scottish burr, the feathers and the bill. I know what Jenny is going through. I know what it’s like to be hurt, betrayed, thrown away like a snotty tissue. I know what it’s like to cry and lose 35 lbs because your appetite disappears. Now, granted, I don’t know what it’s like to be on the cover of Vanity Fair and tell all my damn business but, the night is still young, as they say.

But, it’s like this: Jennifer Aniston was married to BRAD PITT for about four years!!!! To me, that is quite an accomplishment considering the fact that Jenny is just a regular looking white girl. She’s got those cute/pretty looks that show up on girls in your local suburban mall on the weekends. And yet, she snagged Brad Pitt. She got that fool to actually MARRY HER!! That’s what she deserves the Emmy for! “Best Jedi Mind Trick by a Plain Jane on the Sexiest Man Alive (Twice)”.

As a black girl, I couldn’t get Brad Pitt to take a first glance at me, let alone a second look. Well, at least not in public, anyway. (*cough* Pitt belongs to that exclusive club of white men who likes they chocolate addiction in the closet *cough*). I would’ve had to have had a gun on Mr. Pitt for him to marry me, and even then, he probably would have said, “goddamnit, bitch just shoot me!”

So, what the hell is Jenny complaining about? Okay, so the marriage to Brad Pitt is over. But, still, all is not lost for Jenny. That’s because she’s a “white girl”! And “white girls” can’t loose! Somebody needs to remind Jenny forthwith that she’s a damn “white girl”.

That means she’s. . .
1) beautiful by default even though she’s really not beautiful
2) got a great body. . .even if she’s got a bad shape and a flat ass
3) rich
4) making movies. . .even though no one goes to see them
5) guaranteed to find another hot, fine man (please, Lord, not Vince Vaughn) in the next two weeks or so
6) put up on a pedestal. . .especially by black, Asian and Latino men
7) the standard by which all other beauty is judged not good enough
8) the target demographic for every major fashion label and cosmetics line

As I said, Jenny has no right to complain. Really, she should thank her lucky stars. If she wasn’t a “white girl”, if she was (quelle horror) a black girl, then Brad wouldn’t have married her. He would have kept her in the closet and only pulled her out on rainy days when he was hankering for a chocolate fantasy!

galaxyMafia. . .finds "white girls" to be charming and engaging. . .really she does!!!
 

BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND!!

Category: , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia


Ladies, does the following scenario sound familiar?
You’re in the line at Starbucks, getting ready to order something low fat with skim milk (when you’re really craving a 590 calorie – yes, baby, I checked - double chocolate chip frappuccino) and you see. . .him.

You know the one I’m talking about. He’s standing over there by the condiment bar, sprinkling a bit of crème in his espresso and he is, as they say en Français, tres chaud, hotter than that coffee he’s drinking and no doubt, just as bold and strong.

The man is practically down on his hands and knees, begging to be objectified and you are just the cat mama to oblige but, just as you are about to, you notice him saying something to one of the Starbucks workers and they share a laugh.

That’s when you realize that, Houston, we got a problem, and it ain’t all them damn Katrina evacuees in our city taking all the damn jobs, empty apartments and WIC cards, okaaay!

Much to your chagrin and bitter disappointment, the guy has what I affectionately like to call, a “yuck-mouth”. To call the man buck-toothed would be charitable. And you don’t even want to go there concerning those gaps between his teeth. He’s got more wide-open spaces than a Nevada whorehouse. In other words, he needs to get his damn teeth fixed!

Instead of buying that over-priced sludge at that ubiquitous coffee house, he should be saving his money for the first installment on some braces, or dental implants, or a bridge or whatever the fudge he’ll need to do in order to wake up from that orthodontic nightmare!

As Marlon Brando would breathlessly whisper, “The horror. . .the horror. . .”

Now, maybe the hot guy you’ve seen didn’t have a train wreck going on in his mouth. Maybe he had beautiful gray eyes, a perfectly dimpled smile with snow white teeth. And then he stood up. . .and you saw that he was 5”2. Which wouldn’t be a problem if you weren’t a six-foot tall glamazon!

Or, maybe he had a whiny, nasally voice that droned on and on, making you feel as though you were having a conversation with Charlie Brown’s teacher.

Or, maybe. . .

Well, I could go on but the point is. . .the guy you had your eyes on had been hot and sushilicious until you discovered the one flaw that made you say, “Never mind. . .that’s okay.” That one flaw that made you think, If only his breath hadn’t stunk like raw sewage he woulda been perfect!
Recently, I saw a good-looking guy at that bookstore where I slave as an indentured servant, and everything was on like a pot of neck bones until he walked past me and I realized that I was taller that him. Not much taller, however, tall enough to never be able to wear a four-inch heel without making him feel like an emasculated gnome. I have never wanted to be the Susan Anton to some vertically challenged bloke’s Dudley Moore.

So, it got galaxyMafia to thinking (which is rarely a prodigious thing). What if we could have our dream man, with all the bells and whistles that we prefer? And what if we were allowed to make this man ourselves from scratch with brand new parts? What if we could go down to our local mall and walk into. . .

BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND!

Just think about it, while your snarky, skanky little niece and all of her friends (whose boobs are bigger than yours thanks to the phosphate hormones in chickens) head over to Build-A-Bear, you can pop into BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND and create the perfect chap custom made (like a Givenchy couture gown) just for you.

Picture it. . .

Free from the gaggle of 12-year-olds and their high-pitched squeals (that could break the sound barrier) and their proclamations that, “Wentworth Miller is soooooooooooo-cute!”, you step into the BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND WORKSHOP.

Upon entering, you are greeted by a Master Boyfriend Builder associate who will guide you through all the steps of creating your custom made boyfriend.

First, you get to choose what your dream boyfriend will look like!

Should he have blue eyes? Brown eyes? Hazel? Will he be black, Latino, half-Russian/half-Indian? Will he be tall? Pale with rosy cheeks? A little soft around the edges? Dark hair? Bald? Or will he look like a jarhead Marine? Will he have an adorable sheepish demeanor? A smoldering bedroom stare? A thoughtful, yet intense gaze? It’s up to you chica! He’s gonna be your old man! You make the call!

Second, you get to choose everything (and I do mean everything) that your new dream boyfriend will say and you get to choose how his voice will sound (which often is more important than what he says!). Would you like him to cuss like a salty seadog? Want him to have a frothy Scottish burr? Should all of his words be four-syllables or more? Or maybe, you don’t need him to utter a freaking word! If so, you can simply choose the MUTE option! Not sure what you want him to say? Well, BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND has tons of pre-recorded phrases that you can add to your new boyfriend’s vocabulary. Like, “Here, sweetheart, take my American Express Black card and go buy yourself something that I really can’t afford! I won’t be mad at you, I promise!”

Third, you get to choose his personality, his beliefs, attitudes and even his thoughts!! Will he be a witty nonconformist? A compassionate populist? An astrologer with a heart of fool’s gold? A submissive self-effacing jellyfish? A perverted, intelligent geek who nevertheless knows his place? These decisions will be yours to make! He’s your man to create!
After you’ve made your choices, you’ll sit in a chair, close your eyes, get spun around four times and then when you open your eyes, viola! Your dream man, the one you created specifically to meet your every need (even the needs that you don’t really need met) will be standing before you, rose in hand, waiting to fulfill your every desire!

Oh, what were it were true!

Alas. . .this perfect dream man would probably cost more money than you’d ever be able to make even if you did become a high class call girl.

The sad truth is, you couldn’t afford him. . .and even if you could, when you took him home, you would discover that there was something wrong with him, and you’d have to take him back to BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND to make an exchange. . .

Only, there are no refunds or returns in the land of the make-believe custom-made man. When you custom make this bloke, he’s only gonna satisfy you. Your nosey next-door neighbor Peggy and your co-worker LaVerne from Accounting aren’t gonna dig the cut of his jib, if ya know what I mean.

At BUILD-A-BOYFRIEND, all sales are final.

Which brings us to the only thing good about real men, the kind made from sperm and eggs (in or out of the petri dish): If a real guy doesn’t live up to your expectations, you can always exchange him for somebody new and you don’t even have to show a receipt!

2005 - galaxyMafia. . .would like her dream man to look sorta kinda like that guy on "Prison Break". . .no, no, not Wentworth Miller. . .the other one. . .sheesh!!!! She would also like him to give her loose diamonds and to say as little as possible so as not to destroy the mood!

 

Oh Mr. Miller, Must I Bear Your Children And Dress You Too?

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
Dear Wentworth,

You know I love you but I just can not go another day without saying this: What the hell were you thinking when you put this ensemble together? It is just so not conducive to jelly working! I don’t have a problem with the shirt. It’s a lovely shade of blue and blue looks really good on you. What I have a problem with is the manner in which you are wearing the trousers! Two things wrong here – 1) The pants are hiked up under your armpits like it was 1986. You are way too young for Grandpa pants! 2) If your pants have belt loops then for the love of Mike and Bill and Nancy and Pete and Matilda, wear a damn belt! If you are, for some strange reason, averse to belt wearing then buy pants without loops or don’t tuck the shirt in.

Listen Went…baby…I know you’re used to doing your “I’m an individual” thang and that’s cool! I understand that sometimes you just want to put some clothes on and get on up out the house but you can’t do that anymore. People are watching you, judging you, and looking to you for the latest trends. Now hold on a minute! Sit on back down and listen to me please. I know all that bullbooboo ain’t what you signed up for but as they say, thems the breaks!

I know this stardom thing is new to you. And I know it’s stressful being masturbatory fodder for so many women and men as well as a top notch thespian but you will get the hang of it. I promise!

Smooches and Hugs,
Glamour Diva
 

Wentworth Miller Returns! Huzzah!

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

If TV Guide says so then it must be true! Yipeee!

Just 5 more days until my life has meaning again! - GD

 

Tasty Monday or Why I've Added São Paulo, Brazil To My List Of Must See Cities!

Category: , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

NAME:Carlos “Caco” Ricci Souza

AGE: 27

HEIGHT: 6'/184M

WEIGHT: Just freakin’ right!

WHY SHOULD SUSHI BE EATEN OFF HIM? Because he’s all fine and Brazilian! And those eyes! Those kissable lips! Oooooooooo! Jiminy Crickets!

WHEN SHOULD YOU EAT SUSHI OFF HIM? When ever you damn can! Gee Willikers!


FROM WHAT PART OF HIS BODY SHOULD YOU EAT THE SUSHI? The whole damn thang! Jumpin’ Jehosephat!

WHERE SHOULD YOU BE WHEN YOU EAT THE SUSHI OFF HIM? Baggage claim in Bush/Intercontinental Airport on the baggage carousel

HOW SHOULD YOU EAT SUSHI OFF HIM? Like he was the last bowl of Chicken Ximxim you were ever going to get!

PROPENSITY FOR VIOLENCE: Medium. He may be a stereotypical “Fiery Latino”.

STALKER QUOTIENT: -753 (increases exponentially if he thinks you don’t want his body and you don't think he’s sexy)

SHOULD/COULD/WOULD YOU QUIT YOUR JOB FOR HIM? He’s a model. He aint got enough cheese for that girl…

IS HE WORTH BEING PHOTOGRAPHED GIVING KARL ROVE A TONGUE BATH WHILE BEING ANALLY PROBED BY RICK SANTORUM? Saints Preserve Us – NO!

IF HE WANTED TO USE YOUR PLACE AS A SAFE HOUSE WHILE AVOIDING CAPTURE AND CERTAIN PROSECUTION BY THE FEDS FOR PULLING SUPREME COURT NOMINEE HARRIET MIERS’S SKIRT UP OVER HER HEAD AND SPANKING HER GRANNY PANTIES WEARING ASS WITH A MACKEREL WHILE SHE MOANED IN ECSTASY? Yes but only if I could videotape the whole thing and sell the tape anonymously on Ebay

WOULD YOU HELP HIM BITCH SLAP THE PEOPLE IN TOLEDO, OHIO WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO ALLOW NEO-NAZIS TO MARCH IN THE CITY UNDER THE CURRENT CLIMATE OF RACIAL DISHARMONY IN THE U.S. BROUGHT ON BY THE AFTERMATH OF KATRINA? Sigh…of course I would! All Power To All People…except hate mongers like the fools in Toledo!

Faça-me o amor infinito, passionate Carlos! – GD
 

WHY?!?!?!?

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia

I would freakin' LOVE to know the story behind this photo! What is up with the butt buffing? And where can I get my butt buffed? Do tell puh-lease! - GD
 

Here, Here! On second thought…maybe here…?

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A Little Buddhist Enlightenment For Your Tukkus
That people are unknowing does not mean that they are unknowing like cows or goats. Even ignorant people look for a pathway to reality. But, searching for it, they often misunderstand what they encounter. They pursue names and categories instead of going beyond that name to that which is real. – Digha Nikaya

Rugby Italiano
My internet buddy Aldo [Insert Aldo “Chill A-Cella” Cella Lambrusco jokes here] was kind enough to send me these authentic action photos of the Italy vs. Ireland game in the Six Nations Tournament held in February 2005. What is “6 Nations”? In a nutshell, the national teams from six countries (England, France, Ireland, Italy, Scotland, Wales) get together and duke it out in true rugby form. Although I don’t understand why Scotland, Wales, England, and Ireland are considered separate nations. Must be a European thang…

Grazie Aldo! Trasmettendoli tranatlantic abbraccia e baci!





















Thank God!
Only one more torturous, long as hell week until the return of Prison Break! It makes absolutely no sense that I love this show so much but I do. I swear you’d think I was getting married on October 24 instead just watching TV! I’m not the only crazy chomping at the bit though. My fellow crazies on the PB message board on the Internet Movie Database are just as insane. So insane are we that we’ve come up with a Prison Break Drinking Game. Below are just a few of the scenarios which won’t make a damn bit of sense unless you watch the show:

1 shot every time a character dies without revealing key info.

1 shot every time Dr. Sarah and Michael have "a moment"

1 shot every time Michael has to explain something to Sucre
2 shots every time Sucre pulls that “deer in the headlights” face
3 shots every time Michael has to explain something to Sucre…again.

1 shot every time T-Bag purses his lips or else uses his tongue in a suggestive manner

1 shot every time Abruzzi gets within kissing distance of anyone

1 shot every time someone calls Michael “fish”

2 shots every time Michael does the sexy smirk/half smile thing

1 shot every time Michael refers to one of his tattoos

1 shot every time Sucre mutters something in Spanish

2 shots every time Michael deflects Abruzzi’s questions/feeble attempts at intimidation by giving him a cryptic, smart-assed answer/response:

A: I thought you said we’d be getting out of here soon Fish?
M: I remember saying something to that effect John.
A: So do I have to cut off more of your toes or would you like me to get
really
nasty and eat pesto sauce with extra garlic and onions and invade your personal space even harder?
M: Beware the Ides of March John.
A: Whaaaaaa?

1 shot every time we see the imprint of an impertinent nipple through a tight, white t-shirt

2 shots every time we see full on nipple nudity

5 shots for every time Veronica's eyes creep you out


Tick-Tock…just seven more days until the return of Prison Break!GD
 

Web Poll – Fantasy Fighters 2

Category: , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia






Neo VS Wolverine

Can the awesome power of The Matrix defeat unstoppable mutant power? You Make The Call!











 

Wentworth Miller – The Obsession Continues

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
















[Dear Karen and Richard Carpenter, I apologize for changing the lyrics of your beautiful song but Mr. Miller isn't a blue-eyed blonde. That said, on with the Shmaltz Fest that is (They Long To Be) Close To You by The Carpenters...]






Ms. GD isn’t just being a crazy, lust-sick fool! I really do love this song! I used to sing it to my nephew when he was a little baby. [Insert cooing noise here] Of course I still had to change the lyrics because he has light brown hair and eyes. - GD
 

Just For The Hell Of It…Part 3 – Rugby Edition

Category: , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
The following hotties have been staring in my latest fantasies like non-damn-stop! Why can’t American athletes take their clothes off (or any sexy American man for that matter) so easily? What a bunch of prudish wussie boys! DAMN!

Praise Be For The Australians!

Click the link for more lovely, shirtless photos of Aussie rugby players: Men For All Seasons







Thank God For The French (And Donna who clued me in, smooches.)!

Click the link for more scans of those scandalous French rugby players taken from the book Dieux Du Stade: Gods Of The Stadium: Scott-O-Rama







Again I say…Wentworth who? - GD
 

Well I’ll Be Jiggered!

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
The dream was still freaking me out so I went to Dream Moods to see if I could piece it together. Here’s what I found:

Baby
To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. Babies may represent an aspect of you that is vulnerable and helpless. If you dream that you forgot you had a baby, then it suggests that you are trying hide your own vulnerabilities; you do not want to let others know of your weaknesses.

Safe
To see a safe in your dream signifies that you are hiding your sense of self worth and self value. It may also symbolize security or a keeping of a secret.
To see an empty safe, signifies loss or lack.

Running
To dream that you are running away from someone indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

Looks like Ms. GD needs to add some serious “deep introspection” time to her schedule this week! - GD
 

Random Randomness

Category: , , , , , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
I’m so lazy today. All I want to do is surf the net and listen to Van Hunt. Sigh!

Fear And Self-loathing In My Dreams

I had the worst dream Friday night/Saturday morning. I can’t remember all of it but apparently in this dream I’d been given a newborn baby, a boy. Something happened and I couldn’t take care of it so I put it in a safe and locked it away. Sometime later I remembered that I’d left the baby in the safe and I started to panic. I could just feel that I’d killed him! So with much trepidation I went back to where I’d hidden the baby and opened the safe. To my great joy he was still alive but very red in the face like he’d been left in a hot car instead of an airless safe. I took him out and ran like crazy thinking all the while that I was a stupid woman and should never be trusted with a kid. I kept thinking that I’d left him in that safe and now he was going to be brain damaged and it was all my fault! I swear I felt so much love for that kid and so much confusion and torment. It was so awful that the grief woke me up!

But what does it all mean?
American Football Is For Pussies!

I love Rugby. Lots of big, sweaty, burly men running freely about a well mowed field of green grass in the shortest of short-shorts. No helmets or long pants to obscure the fine, well muscled, view. No cumbersome padding and plastic body armor to get in the way of grabbing each other, throwing each other to the ground, dog piling, body checking, rubbing up against each other…

Like I said, I love Rugby!

Bite my zaftig ass Roeper!

One of my favorite magazines, Bitch (no jokes please…well okay, but just one), has a great article in the current issue about those Dove “Campaign for Real Beauty” ads, you know the ones featuring the “full figured” women? It seems most people, and by most people I mean men, find them offensive. You’d think men would welcome the chance to see “any” beautiful woman in her underwear but nooooooo dear reader, that simply ain’t the case.

Leading the shallow, misinformed charge is Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun-Times and Ebert & Roeper fame. This misogynist bastard had the nerve to rant about how atrocious the women in the ads were because they were too fat (July 31, 2005). Too Fat?!?!? Are you on crack Roeper? Let me break it down for you: The women in those ads are normal. As distressing as that thought may seem jackass it’s true. All those models, actresses, singers and other women in the entertainment industry that you drool over are actually 20 or more pounds underweight. Have you really become so brainwashed that you think a woman who is 5 feet, 10 inches tall and weighs 110 pounds is normal? The fact is that most American women are between 5” 4’ and 5’ 6”. We weigh 130-150 lbs. These ranges vary according to age and ethnicity but basically we stay pretty much in that range.

And why are you and the rest of mankind so overly concerned with women’s bodies anyway? I get so damned tired of some ill-informed man telling me how to dress, fuck, behave, give birth (or not to give birth), medicate my post-partum depression (or not medicate it)! I swear I could just smack that smug, self-satisfied look of his face!

Oh Canada…you cheeky monkey…

Ok there is this really hot guy I met online a while back. We’ll call him Steven (‘cause that’s his name) and he’s so damn fine! What a hot piece of ass (I’ve seen it, there was so much steam rising off of it that it melted my webcam)! But alas we are both poor as church mice and can’t afford to travel for international sushi body shots. And did I mention he’s a fireman? [Insert hose jokes here] That smile! Those Eyes! That warm, maple syrup voice on my callnotes! Dare I say it? I think I’m crushing! Wentworth who?

Still lazy but now I’m hungry. - GD
 

Wentworth Miller - The Obsession Begins

Category: , , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
Another day, another blog entry about Wentworth Miller...

Well as you all know I, Glamour Diva, am just as caught up as the rest of America seems to be with the enigmatic young Mr. Miller. To quote Shakespeare, he truly is a man of wax! But as I wrote in my previous post, something is definitely amiss. Now galaxyMafia is usually the big conspiracy theorists but I can’t help feeling that the publicity machine whirring behind Mr. Miller is not totally on the up and up (well as up and up as publicity machines can be).

Case in point: My mother subscribes to TV Guide and every week for the past year she’s been receiving it with no problems. In fact, they started sending her two copies and continue to do so even after she informed them of the situation. Now along comes the week of October 2-9 with Mr. Miller’s striking visage on the cover and guess what? No Guide In The Mailbox! As you can imagine I was as distraught as distraught could be! All those weeks of CSI 1, 2 and 3, Law & Order 1-5, Lost, Desperate White Women…er, I mean “Housewives”, etc. and the one edition I gave a damn about never comes! I tried to keep an open mind, after all even the post office needs time to regroup after a hurricane. But when I started once again receiving my mail, my deceased fathers mail, my neighbor’s mail, my regular junk mail and two brand-spanking-new TV Guides for next week, I knew things had gone horribly, horribly wrong- Some one had (Gasp!) stolen my mother’s copy of TV Guide!

This is only the beginning dear readers. When normally rational people feel compelled to steal an old lady’s $2.49 magazine it can only mean that a great and sinister power is at work here and I ain’t talking about Lucifer! Beelzebub has his hands full pulling Karl Rove and Dick Cheney’s puppet strings! No dear, dear readers, evil this all-encompassing can only be perpetrated by base, heathenistic, creatures from depths far deeper than hell. That’s right dear readers; I’m speaking of (Gasp!) Marketing Orcs!

The Marketing Orcs have studied us like computer geeks study Perl (I guess that would make me a computer geek by association ‘cause I know what Perl is) and they know what floats our collective boats…all of us…each of us…every damn one! How else can you explain the mass hysteria surrounding this man? The last man to garner this much attention so quickly was Matthew McConaughey and we all know how that ended right? Well the Marketing Orcs learned a valuable lesson with Mr. McConaughey: strong willed, in your face, pot smoking, late night bongo playing Texans are difficult to control. It doesn’t matter if they’re pretty with bodies like Grecian statues; the outward appearance of conformity with a generous sprinkling of mystery is what lulls and beguiles the American public into complete submission.

I promise you dear readers; Ms. GD will remain stalwart in her efforts to get to the bottom of the Wentworth Miller Conundrum! No Prison Break episode will remain unwatched, no magazine article will be left unread, no webpage unsurfed, and no Prison Break Season 1 DVD unsought!

One Obsession to rule them all. One Obsession to find them,
One Pretty, Green-eyed, SOB to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Marketing where the Shadows lie. (sorry Mr. Tolkien) – GD
 

Web Poll - Fantasy Fighters

Category: , By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
 

In Praise of Hollin’ Ass White Men

Category: By Glamour Diva & galaxyMafia
First let me start by defining the term “Hollin’”. Hollin’ is the bastardized southern form of hollering which means to yell, shout or otherwise make a lot of damn noise. Now this can be negative or positive; it just depends on the context. Today I’m using it in the very positive context of singing ones guts out in the loudest most soulful way possible.

Back in the day when I was but a petite baby Glamour Diva in training we used to refer to white folks singing in this manner as “Blue Eyed Soul”. You remember that don’t you? Folks like the Average White Band, Dusty Springfield, Hall and Oates, Teena Marie, Bobby Caldwell, Michael McDonald etc.?

These people had so much soul that black folk often refused to believe they were white! How could someone born with white skin and all the rights and privileges thereof, sing with so much passion we asked? What trials and tribulations could they have possible undergone while working after school at the Piggly Wiggly?

Okay I’m being facetious but you get my drift. Soulful singing isn’t black or white and it has no socio-economic barriers. Some people are just born with it and we automatically know it when we hear it! Well, most of us do. You see, Justin Timberlake is not a member of Blue Eyed Soul Inc. A high pitched whine does not a soul man make! Ms. GD has always thought that J.C Chasez has a much better voice than Mr. Timberlake anyway. The problem is that Mr. Chasez can’t dance! JT does indeed dance circles around JC (literally as well as figuratively). And this is sad because it says so much about the state of music today. If Luther Vandross were just starting out today he would have a hard row to hoe! So much time is spent on the performance aspect that true talent is often overlooked and it really is to our detriment. But I digress…

Below is a list of artists I admire. All of them are singer-songwriters and are, in general, fairly new to the music scene.

















Marc Broussard – Carencro (Karen-Crow), Louisiana
http://www.marcbroussard.com/

Carencro (2004)
Momentary Setback (2002)

A trachea scorching baritone is this guy’s MO! By far the best vocalist of the bunch, Mr. Broussard flows seamlessly from flat out delta blues to straight up R&B. My favorite song is Rocksteady from Carencro. Mr. Broussard fair looses his damn mind on this joint! I swear he sounds like he’s about to pop a blood vessel in his brain from all the hollin’!


Kyle RiabkoSaskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
http://www.kyleriabko.com/

Before I Speak (2005)

He’s the youngest of the bunch (17) but plays the guitar like a seasoned veteran. His voice is lovely but difficult to describe. It’s smoothed out on the James Taylor tip but already boasts the beginnings of a Marvin Gaye type sensuality. It’s almost obscene sometimes the way he sings so passionately about sex! I have to keep reminding myself that he isn’t legal yet…at least not in the United States.



I see you on the floor/You got me wishin for more/I’ve been wondering how my body might feel underneath yours- Miss Behavin'



Gavin DeGrawNYC, New York
http://www.gavindegraw.com/

Chariot (2004)

Gavin’s the “star” of the group but no less deserving of entry into Blue Eyed Soul Inc. Technically his music is categorized as rock but there is no mistaking the soul force bubbling up from under the surface. I love watching him sing. When it really gets good to him he opens up his mouth so wide I can see his toes! I suppose the wider you open your mouth the more hollin’ you can get out? It’s working for Mr. DeGraw.


Lewis Taylor – London, England
http://www.slowreality.com/

Stoned (2002/2005) First U.S. Release
Stoned Part 2 (2004)
Stoned Part 1 (2002)
Lewis 2 (2000)
Lewis Taylor (1996)

Lewis is the “Elder Statesman” of the group, the best musician, and the hardest to categorize. He’s also, next to Omar, my very favorite singer! Even with all his genre hopping (most often within the same song) the soulful core remains. I like to compare his music to a coiled DNA strand, it looks simple enough on the outside but when you open it up you notice all the complexities! Every time I listen to one of his songs I notice something different, a new piece of the enigmatic Lewis Taylor puzzle. His voice is just as layered as his music. He was a very distinctive and rich, throaty moan that can go from deep baritone to falsetto so quickly it will make your head spin! I hope his current release does well here. He’d be a welcome edition to Blue Eyed Soul Inc.!


What the world needs now is love and a lot more soul! - GD